and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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