seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
