they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
