end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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