I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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