ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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