I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
