You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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