New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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