It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
