The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
