if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
