Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
