Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
pray to the hookup gods
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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