I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
