and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
