Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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