ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize