I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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