sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
