do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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