It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
