Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
tell me about the fingering
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