you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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