Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
