Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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