Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
