i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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