ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
