i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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