and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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