You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
