if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
