So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
