The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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