just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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