Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
