sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
