today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
