the condom got lost in my hair
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
