I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
