got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
