ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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