Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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