We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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