There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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