Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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