now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
