I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
