is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
