if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
