she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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