Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
