the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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