No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
