I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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