why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
