I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
