finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
