Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
