I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
