angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There r osticjed everywhere
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
